The Amazing Spider-Man #583

(Mark Waid, Barry Kitson; Zeb Wells, Todd Nauck)

Yes, that is Barack Obama on the cover of Amazing Spider-Man. That’s Marvel comics for you, always up-to-date and relevant. Of course, that’s only the variant cover illustrating the backup story. The ordinary cover is much uglier, not because of the art – John Romita can draw fine – but because of the concept: Peter Parker has his arms around two girls and is saying something lame about cougars while next to him the words ACTION IS HIS REWARD! are shouted at us. Sometimes, trying too hard to be up-to-date and relevant just makes you look a bit old and creepy. This cover is the equivalent of Marvel scraping together that bit of hair at the back that hasn’t fallen out yet, turning it into a scraggly ponytail, and going out to be the weird old guy at the club.

Spidey’s hanging around in the background, looking left out while Peter saunters off to be made into a man-sandwich, possibly thinking to himself, “Aren’t they a little young to be cougars? Technically speaking?”

It’s the ‘Special Tribute-to-Dating Issue!!’, as the cover proudly declares, and I’m glad Marvel were there to shine a spotlight on such an undernoticed subject. The issue’s main story involves Betty Brant helping the newly single Peter Parker ease back into the world of desperate singletons by taking him speed-dating. (Up-to-date!) Obama is not involved in any way. Problems emerge in the form of criminals who steal Peter’s attention when he could be busting moves on hotties. He has to waste his quips on lame villains instead. “Have you tried villain-names.com? It’s awesome!” he honestly actually says to one of them. “Always run a virus check afterwards though.” (Relevant!) Some foreshadowing is squeezed in along the way, but it relies on Betty handing out Aunt May’s phone number to a guy she just met. I know she’s a matchmaker, but that makes no sense at all.

Apparently the timely backup strip was written in a week so it would coincide with Obama’s inauguration. It’s still better than the clumsy sitcom of the main story, which isn’t saying much. Peter is in Washington photographing the historic event when a duplicate Obama arrives and hijinx ensue. Spidey’s going to have to save the day, obviously. Todd Nauck draws this one and he isn’t the kind of artist who does studied likenesses – his Obamas look kind of like Denzel Washingtons, his Peter Parker looks kind of like David Tennant, and there's something wrong with the shape of Spider-Man’s head. Frank D’Armata colours everything with highlights galore, so that it looks like there’s been an oil slick on everyone’s skin.

Yes, it is, Denzel.

Most of the jokes work though and it’s a pleasant enough experience to go through so you can say you’ve read it. The Stephen Colbert issue they did last year was better, however.

6/10

Thou Shalt

(After Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip.)

Thou shalt not download comics unless you weren’t going to pay for them anyway.

Thou shalt not worship comic-book creators. Even Alan Moore occasionally writes things that suck.

Thou shalt not take the name of Batman in vain.

Thou shalt not think that any male over 30 who reads Batman lives in his mother’s basement; some people just really like Batman.

Thou shalt not read Wizard magazine.

Thou shalt not stop liking a creator just because they have started working for Marvel or DC.

Thou shalt not judge a comic book by its cover.

Thou shalt not judge The Ultimates by Mark Millar.

Thou shalt not defend bad cheesecake art by defending the concept of cheesecake art – the problem with the example being given is that it’s bad.

Thou shalt not throw out your child’s first issue of Fantastic Four – you know, the one where they team up with Spider-Man to fight the X-Men only the X-Men turn out to have been Skrulls all along – and say, “But it was just a comic, darling.”

Thou shalt not be so attached to comics because of nostalgia.

Thou shalt not use comics as an escape from your shitty life. Let them inspire you to make your life better.

Thou shalt not get upset about a comic not portraying your favourite character as a perfect substitute father-figure while being perfectly okay with its outrageously sexist portrayal of women.

Thou shalt not call a comic bad just because it was late regardless of the quality of its contents; thou shalt not celebrate a comic’s timely schedule when it was clearly rushed and flawed because of it.

Thou shalt not continue reading a series long after you have lost all interest in it just because you ‘really care about the characters’.

Thou shalt not put comics and their creators on ridiculous pedestals just because of how great they were or are. Krazy Kat was just a comic. The Spirit: just a comic. Peanuts: just a comic. Zap: just a comic. Akira: just a comic. Maus: just a comic. Watchmen: just a comic. Sandman: just a comic. Eightball: just a comic. Acme Novelty Library: just a comic. Hellboy: just a comic. Achewood: just a comic.

The next big thing is just a comic.

Thou shalt not dismiss all superhero comics as violent power fantasies; thou shalt not dismiss all manga as cross-dressing tentacle-rape drama; thou shalt not dismiss all autobiographical comics as self-indulgent whining.

Thou shalt not get into arguments about what is and isn’t technically speaking a comic or comix or a graphic novel. Definitions are not that important.

Thou shalt not call every single strong female character a Mary Sue.

Thou shalt spell it Mr Mxyztplk, not Mr Mxyzptlk, regardless of what DC Comics tell you.

Thou shalt not express your disappointment with the latest crossover by calling it ‘full of fail’.

Thou shalt realise that not all of these commandments are intended to be taken seriously.

Thou shalt not pay too much attention to comics bloggers – think for yourselves.

And thou shalt always,

THOU SHALT ALWAYS,

read comics that kill.