Thou Shalt

(After Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip.)

Thou shalt not download comics unless you weren’t going to pay for them anyway.

Thou shalt not worship comic-book creators. Even Alan Moore occasionally writes things that suck.

Thou shalt not take the name of Batman in vain.

Thou shalt not think that any male over 30 who reads Batman lives in his mother’s basement; some people just really like Batman.

Thou shalt not read Wizard magazine.

Thou shalt not stop liking a creator just because they have started working for Marvel or DC.

Thou shalt not judge a comic book by its cover.

Thou shalt not judge The Ultimates by Mark Millar.

Thou shalt not defend bad cheesecake art by defending the concept of cheesecake art – the problem with the example being given is that it’s bad.

Thou shalt not throw out your child’s first issue of Fantastic Four – you know, the one where they team up with Spider-Man to fight the X-Men only the X-Men turn out to have been Skrulls all along – and say, “But it was just a comic, darling.”

Thou shalt not be so attached to comics because of nostalgia.

Thou shalt not use comics as an escape from your shitty life. Let them inspire you to make your life better.

Thou shalt not get upset about a comic not portraying your favourite character as a perfect substitute father-figure while being perfectly okay with its outrageously sexist portrayal of women.

Thou shalt not call a comic bad just because it was late regardless of the quality of its contents; thou shalt not celebrate a comic’s timely schedule when it was clearly rushed and flawed because of it.

Thou shalt not continue reading a series long after you have lost all interest in it just because you ‘really care about the characters’.

Thou shalt not put comics and their creators on ridiculous pedestals just because of how great they were or are. Krazy Kat was just a comic. The Spirit: just a comic. Peanuts: just a comic. Zap: just a comic. Akira: just a comic. Maus: just a comic. Watchmen: just a comic. Sandman: just a comic. Eightball: just a comic. Acme Novelty Library: just a comic. Hellboy: just a comic. Achewood: just a comic.

The next big thing is just a comic.

Thou shalt not dismiss all superhero comics as violent power fantasies; thou shalt not dismiss all manga as cross-dressing tentacle-rape drama; thou shalt not dismiss all autobiographical comics as self-indulgent whining.

Thou shalt not get into arguments about what is and isn’t technically speaking a comic or comix or a graphic novel. Definitions are not that important.

Thou shalt not call every single strong female character a Mary Sue.

Thou shalt spell it Mr Mxyztplk, not Mr Mxyzptlk, regardless of what DC Comics tell you.

Thou shalt not express your disappointment with the latest crossover by calling it ‘full of fail’.

Thou shalt realise that not all of these commandments are intended to be taken seriously.

Thou shalt not pay too much attention to comics bloggers – think for yourselves.

And thou shalt always,

THOU SHALT ALWAYS,

read comics that kill.